As psychologists, we often witness the profound impact that friendships have on our clients’ mental, emotional, and even physical well-being. Friendships are not just a source of joy, support, and connection; they are deeply intertwined with our physical and mental health and overall life satisfaction. However, maintaining friendships as adults can be uniquely challenging and sometimes result in friendships becoming more distant or even ending. Let’s explore the most common factors that lead to friendships ending.  

The Challenges of Maintaining Friendships in Adulthood

Losing a friendship can be a deeply painful and confusing experience. Unlike romantic breakups or family estrangements, friendship endings are often less openly acknowledged but can have a lasting emotional impact. Research shows that the size of our social networks declines over time in response to several factors, starting from our 30s and 40s. There have been three main categories of reasons why friendships end identified.

Situational Factors

Friendships often rely on sharing certain life stages or experiences. When we go through a life change or new transition, it can create a physical and emotional distance from our friends in different circumstances. Think moving home, starting a demanding job, or becoming a parent. Being unable to spend time together regularly or share our experiences can make it difficult to maintain emotional closeness.

One of the most common examples we hear is when one friend becomes a new parent. These friends may prioritise the the company of other parents, as they are experiencing the same challenges in their daily lives and keep a similar daily routine of family-focussed activities. Consequently, they may spend less time with you if you don’t also have children.   

Other examples include your friend moving away to a new suburb, effectively ending your routine of daily walks together. Or, you accept a significant promotion, making it difficult to socialise with colleagues who now report to you. These situational changes might then result in friendships that are less close and familiar to you.

Personal Factors

Maintaining friendships requires mutual effort and care. If one person is unable or unwilling to invest the time, energy and interest in a friendship, it can lead to either person stepping away from the friendship.

For example, a lack of availability, effort, or support from your friend who has entered a new relationship can lead to a growing dissatisfaction in the friendship. If you are initiating all contact and social activities, you may grow resentful, hurt, and angry towards your friend, leading you to disengage from the friendship.

Interpersonal Factors

Changes in the dynamic between two people can also affect the friendship and lead to the friendship ending. Miscommunication or conflict can create heightened emotions, undermine connection, and erode trust. For example, a friend who feels neglected after you start spending more time with your new partner might misinterpret your reduced availability as you being disinterested in them.

A major upheaval for one person might lead to a change in their emotional needs, needs their friend is unable or unwilling to meet. A friend going through a divorce may want more contact and emotional support from you in the immediate future. They might feel hurt and abandoned if you are not able to provide this due to existing responsibilities.

Moreover, as people evolve, their interests, values, and goals may diverge, leading to them growing apart. If you and your friend bonded over your love of basketball and one of you stops playing and instead takes up regular gym workouts, your contact may become less frequent and therefore your friendship less close.  

Summary

Maintaining friendships in adulthood can be challenging. There are lots of changes that occur over the course of our lives, from major life transitions to shifts in our interests and priorities. These changes can impact what we need from our friendships and the kind of friend we can be to others.

While some friendships grow stronger through these changes, others may fade or even come to an end. These endings can have a huge impact on us. Understanding why a friendship has faltered can help you decide whether the friendship can be repaired or is better to end. Regardless, we often need time to grieve the loss of the connection and to find a way to move forward.

While losing a friendship can be painful, it’s important to recognise that not all endings are negative. Sometimes they create space for personal growth or new connections better suited to your current stage of life and friendship needs.

Photo credit: Photo by Katarzyna Grabowska on Unsplash