Throughout our lives, we are confronted with many forms of loss. Grief is the response we have to loss.

Grief affects all part of our experience, including our emotions, thoughts, behaviours, beliefs, and identity. It can affect our physical and mental health, and impact our ability to function in our everyday lives and connect with others.

While grief can often be a painful, disorienting and overwhelming experience, it is also a normal response to loss. Here are a few things that we know to be true about grieving a loss.

Grief is a universal experience. Everyone will experience a loss in our life that brings up painful emotions, is hard to accept, and takes time to adjust to.

Grief is an individualised and multifaceted experience. Everyone grieves in different ways, processing our loss at our own pace and in our own ways.

Grief is not a linear or predictable process. While we might share similar experiences when grieving, we don’t always follow the same path or take the same steps as we grieve.

Grief is a healthy and adaptive process. Grief acknowledges the significance of our loss and allows us to let go of what we have lost and find new perspectives and ways of living.

There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Everyone finds our own way of accepting loss, feeling our emotions, and adjusting to our new reality.

Tangible vs intangible loss

When speaking about loss, most people think of the death of a loved one. This is an example of tangible loss. Tangible loss is one that is readily apparent and obvious to everyone. These include the death of your loved one, the loss of a limb, the end of your relationship, or the loss of your homeland.

But loss can also be intangible. Intangible loss is those that are not apparent as they are more abstract or existential in nature. Intangible losses include the loss of your identity, loss of confidence in yourself, loss of your dreams, loss of a sense of safety or security, or a loss of faith.

Primary and secondary loss

We can also think about a loss in terms of it being a primary or secondary loss. A primary loss is the initial loss and the secondary loss occurs as a consequence of the primary loss. Many people will readily identify the primary loss and assume that it is the source of all pain and difficulty for the person grieving.

However, often there are a number of losses that occur as a consequence of the primary loss. We call these secondary losses. Secondary losses can be just as important, painful, and challenging for a person.

Take, for example, the end of a romantic relationship. The primary loss is your relationship but the secondary losses might include; your identity as romantic partners, the comfort of being loved and cared for, having a home, being part of a family unit, having shared future plans and goals, companionship, friendships, financial security, and so on.

Anyone who has been through a breakup knows how difficult life can be. You feel overwhelmed with intense and often contradictory emotions. And yet you also have to deal with a list of decisions to make and practicalities to address, now you are facing life without your ex. The end of the relationship and its impact on you are all losses to be grieved.

The grief process

Many people find it hard to bear the pain of their loss and know how to heal from it. While the grief process looks different for every person, it can be helpful to think of the process in terms of these four experiences.

Many people will grieve a loss using their usual coping strategies and social connections. Others may find that they need additional professional support. If your grief causes you to behave in ways that harm you or others, you should consider seeking professional help.

Further resources

Grief Australia (GA) is an independent, not-for-profit organization, that provides evidence-informed counselling, training, and research on grief and loss across Australia. The GA website has a wide range of resources available, including resources for those experiencing grief, supporting someone who is grieving, and health professionals working with aimed at helping people who are experiencing grief or are supporting someone who is grieving. They also provide supervision, consultation, and workshops for health professionals.

The Headstrong Psychology team often work with people experiencing grief and loss. Please get in touch with us on 0431 998 351 if you would like to discuss a booking with one of our clinical psychologists.